Aug 12
30

Something to chew over

25 Comments

One sister texted me at the hospital, “Think how interesting your next blog post will be!”

Another sister texted, “Did they let you keep the piece of chicken as a memento?”

A friend called, who I was meant to be meeting for lunch that day. “Oh God,” she said. “You poor thing.” She paused. “You always did scoff your food.” “Thanks,” I said. “And what about that weird thing you have with spoons!? Where it has to be like, a really small spoon? Even though you have these really huge mouthfuls?” She was still laughing when I hung up.

On Tuesday night at around 8.45 pm I was eating green chicken curry when I felt a lump of chicken lodge in my throat. I coughed. I drank water. Nothing would move it. My husband thumped me on the back with great enthusiasm. Then he tried the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Numerous times. I could tell he really liked doing the Heimlich Manoeuvre and I’m sure he did it very well, but it didn’t work.

We googled. Of course we googled. I put ground coffee behind my teeth. I drank olive oil. I ate a banana. I was retching. Every now and then I felt quite sure I was about to stop breathing.

We ended up at Emergency. “Was the chicken yummy?” asked a nurse, with some relish, as I projectile-vomited saliva.

At 3 am, they gave me a general, intubated me, and yanked it out.

Nurses, anaesthetists, specialists were all called from their beds, because I didn’t chew my food properly. “You just have to stop eating like a pack wolf,” said my husband tenderly.

In my last post I tempted fate with this foolhardy remark: “Who knows what my next blog entry will hold?” Who knew that it would include one of the most mortifying and terrifying experiences of my life?

If anyone would like to share a similar story, ideally one that is even more revolting, please do so. In fact, I will send a signed book to the person who shares the most horrifying story, because you will make me feel less alone and ashamed.

I will be here, chewing. Chewing, chewing, chewing. And who knows what my next – no! Shhh. Let’s all stay very, very quiet and still.

PS. In my last post, I mentioned that I’d finished my new book. It would have been sensible to mention when it was going to be available, but no, I just babbled on about hairdressers and whatever. THE HUSBAND’S SECRET will be out in Australia in May 2013. I expect it will be available in the US in June, and in the UK in August.

 

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Posted in Uncategorized by Liane 25 Comments

25 Responses to "Something to chew over"

  • Claire Ogden says:
    August 30, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Oh no! Poor you! I am slightly behind with my reading, I have two books of your to read now, I better get a shimmy on! Xx

  • Jen says:
    August 30, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    I’m not sure if this counts as I don’t really remember it, but when I was 23 I had a stroke (three and a half years ago), and apparently when they took me down for a CT scan I threw up in the CT scanner. It was about 6pm so it had been cleaned and everyone was ready to leave for the day… Poor timing on my part!

    Accidentally swallowing ice cubes would be much better than bits of chicken, probably. Painful, but at least the ice melts.

  • Helen English says:
    August 30, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    Oh sounds just awful! Mine had the potential to be much worse but luckily ended well.

    My beautiful son, set to marry the love of his life the next day. My husband and I hosting the rehearsal dinner at a jazz club. All wonderful food. I ate a piece of steak and it got completely stuck. No air. No up for it. No down for it.

    Everyone is having a great time laughing and talking. I give the choking signal to my brother. He jumps up. Starts Heimlich-ing me. Nothing. He suddenly yells “someone is choking!” someone?… My husband then looks so deep in my eyes that everything else stops. He says loud and so firm it startled me “cough”.

    I did. A piece of meat flew from my lungs (across the room!).

    Excitement over. Well aside from all the comments about how great it is not dying and not ruining a wedding. Yikes.

    I did not eat steak for two years.

  • Emily says:
    August 30, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    It says a lot about my life that one of my scariest experiences was having an ice cube lodged in my throat. My mum managed to Heimlich Manoeuvre it out of me. When I tell this story people always say something like “An ice cube? Oh, you’d have been fine, it would have melted eventually…” But it was a big ice cube, honest. All this is just to say that I’m very much looking forward to The Husband’s Secret. I’ve read, and loved, all of your books. I always read them too quickly and then mourn the end. Perhaps I should try to chew this one more slowly.

  • Sammy says:
    August 30, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    When I was two, my mother took me to visit her best friend, and that friend’s mother. They all sat around chatting and having tea, and I wandered off to explore. I found the friend’s mother’s handbag, and hit the jackpot: chocolate! I scoffed the entire bar.

    I went back to the tea party, and my crime was instantly discovered (smeared all over my face). They asked where I’d found the chocolate, and when I pointed to the handbag, the friend’s mother’s face went white. Turns out, she suffered from constipation, and used laxatives regularly. As a result, to make them more palatable, she used chocolate flavoured laxatives. One square of the chocolate was a hefty dose for an adult. I, a two-year-old, had eaten the entire bar.

    Of course, I was two, and I don’t remember this, so it’s not that horrifying for me. But think of it from my mother’s perspective, as I add that I was still in nappies…

  • Kati says:
    August 30, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Liane, please stop referring to me as Google or “one sister”. By the way, Scott said to please chew your food. Clearly his beer suggestion was of no help.

    Ps I could share my own similar stories, but you’ve heard them all before, all remarkably similar to your experiences… Perhaps I inherited all my bizzare problems from you?

  • Tammy says:
    August 31, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    On Sunday I went in a fun run, which was quite out of character for me. (I really think I will look back and see this time in my life as an aberration – I don’t run! I’m not a runner!) But I had a cold and therefore had a blocked nose and as I also had no tissues, spent large chunks of the run gagging. It was also quite a sunny day in Sydney, and I am used to training at 6:30 am before work in subzero Canberran temperatures – so it was far too hot for me.

    When I finished the race, a kind lady asked if i was ok but I was concentrating too much on not vomming to answer her, so she asked again, at which point I made gross dry-retching noises, to the disgust of the triumphant fun-runners around me. I was one of those people they have to usher across to the makeshift beds to lie down. I insisted I was fine and just needed a tissue and they called me a fraud (though nicely).

    I rushed off to a lunch and sat through it very queasily and then got straight into the car for a 4 hour drive back to Canberra, into the setting sun. Then I had a gross repeat of the end of the race where my friends asked if I was OK and I responded by dry-retching, which is not very graceful, and not the type of thing you want to do in close quarters, even with your friends.

    Hope that is mortifying enough to make you feel better about yours :)

  • Sharon Ward says:
    September 1, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    How awful for you, but glad you wrote about it as I found out about Husband’s Secret. I LOVE LOVE LOVE ALL your books

  • Kirsten says:
    September 2, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    My post disappeared! Will try and re-post tomorrow

  • Aidan Larson says:
    September 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    I, thankfully, have no similarly horrible or disgusting story of my own but I cannot stop thinking about yours. See it as a PSA for chewing your food because I am being more careful as I eat thanks to you!
    I thought I was past the worrying toddler days of hot dogs, pretzels and popcorn but now I have chicken curry to add to the list. For myself!
    You’re the best. I’m glad you are ok. (intubation doesn’t sound fun at all)
    Aidan

  • Liane says:
    September 4, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Hello Claire, yes, indeed, you’d better get a shimmy on! What’s the hold up?
    Jen: That must have been awful for you, and I’m glad you don’t remember that part, and yes,you’re right, if I had to choke on something, I should have chosen an ice cube
    Helen: that’s a wonderful story – it has everything – romance, drama, humour – and I especially love the part where your husband looks deep in your eyes and says ‘cough’
    Sammy: all I can say is your poor, poor mother
    Kati, or ‘one sister’ – you were very helpful, you are my personal google
    Tammy: That sounds horrendous, you poor thing, next time you have a cold, you should stay in bed, not RUN you crazy girl
    Sharon: thank you so much! And Kirsten, what happened to your post, I’m about to pick a winner! Aidan, thank you, and yes, that’s a good way of looking at it, this blog is saving lives. I should get government funding.,
    OK, I have picked a winner, and although all your stories were quite pleasingly revolting, thank you so much, I have to go with Helen for her Wedding and the Steak Story, I will be in touch Helen, to arrange your prize!
    Lianexx

  • Farrah says:
    September 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    I can think of only a couple of stories. One is rather humorous and the other can be rather terrifying if you value ovaries.

    The first occurred when I wad four. I was rather adventurous at that age and so I claimed the top bunk bed before my older sister could. I had been an unkind little girl that day and was thoroughly chastised for it. Not a good feeling to fall asleep to. And so I dreamer of Batman that night, chasing after me in the night to kill me off. In me effort to escape, I fell off the top bunk. Several times. Each time, my great -grandfather would tuck me back into bed… on the top bunk. Batman was very determined to get me that night. Apparently he did get me at some point because my right shoulder and collar bone was broken the next morning.

    The latter story occurred 20 years later. I had been diagnosed with a urinary tract several times over the span of four years. One morning, when I was 24, I woke up to excrutiating abdominal pain and heavy bleeding. I could barely move, much less walk. My mom took me to the emergency room and just left me there. I finally received a very thorough pelvic exam in which a large ovarian cyst was found. They initially told me it was the size of a golf ball. Manageable, but it needed to come out because it was too big to pass on it’s own. A month later, they told me it was the size of a baseball. Then a softball. Then a basketball. When they finally performed the surgery (it didn’t go as planned, they had to cut around my belly button) the cyst became the size of a watermelon. And it refused yo let go of my left ovary and had to take that as well. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for five years without any success at all. :( I’ve always wanted a child so it’s been rather devastating. (I can definitely relate to your Connie in The Last Anniversary) .

    Enough about my horror stories, though. I mostly wanted to tell you how wonderful your books are. They make me laugh and cry, sometimes simultaneously. They also make me even more grateful to have my wonderful husband and his family to call my own. And hope. You also give me hope that it’s not too late for that baby. Thank you so much for that. And thank you for writing another book. I read all of the others already. I’m not ashamed to say I couldn’t put them down.

  • Liane says:
    September 6, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Dear Farrah,
    Thank you so much for sharing those two somewhat amazing stories!
    I’m so sorry to hear that you haven’t yet had any luck having a baby.
    We had a long and difficult journey too, so I understand what you’re going through.
    I hope with all my heart that there is a happy ending waiting for you – and that you don’t have to wait too much longer for it.
    And thank you for your kind words about my books Lianexx

  • Kirsten says:
    September 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Hi again

    My original post weas brilliant and funny and you’ll have to take my word for it as I can’t remember any of it now. I do know it started “Is it weird that I’m now actually wishing I had a terrible story?”
    I wasn’t ever in the running as unfortunately (??!!!) nothing as horrible as this has ever happened to me. Hmmm Pretty sure I just sent out a massive temptation to Fate with that statement!

    So pleased you are recovered well and very pleased to have two posts to read in the space of a few days! On top of that I am thrilled to hear about the new book and I’m hoping you’ll give us a bit more info about it. May is such a long time to wait but I have no doubt it will be worth the wait. I can’t wait to gobble it down.

    I sent you an e-gift “Lighter Shades of Grey: A (very) Critical Reader’s Guide to “Fifty Shades of Grey”" so hopefully you have a Kindle so you can collect it.
    If not please feel free to pass it on to anyone you know who has one. It is a very very funny guide to Fifty Shades which I actually haven’t read as the sample I downloaded was so badly written I couldn’t finish it. I hope you’ll find the guide as funny as I did. xx

  • Seana Smith says:
    September 8, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Hello, glad you had that bit of chook removed. Chew, chew and chew again, as I tell my boisterous bairns regularly. I once hopped into emergency on a Sunday morning in Edinburgh to join a queue of shame-faced, hungover people. Ah yes, we were a sorry lot. I had broken my ankle, whilst dancing a jig on an icy street. And have never drunk margarita since.

    It was winter in Scotland and we were all pretty pale, but one bloke in Emergency was milk-blueish-white, and handcuffed to a policeman. He was from Saughton, the local prison, he’d broken his leg playing soccer. That bloke was not hungover at all, and of all those in Emergency, he was the most cheerful.

  • Karen MEG says:
    September 13, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    (I hope I’m not re-posting for the 100th time – my comment keeps disappearing …)
    I have to apologize as my husband and I had a big laugh at your expense – your story telling even in these snippets of posts is so hilarious – hubby particularly liked your husband’s line about the pack wolf (I tend to eat like that, honestly!)

    I had my own “almost” choking story a couple of weeks ago – throw in a wasp sting, a bad reaction to a tetanus shot (I think, or maybe it was allergies to the budget I’m dealing with) and you’ve got a full-blown mid-life crisis.

    I had been stung by a wasp a couple nights before a friend’s backyard party – my leg had ballooned up and I had gone to my doctor, who sympathetically said “if you were really allergic you’d be DEAD” but promptly gave me a15 year overdue tetanus shot ,just in case. I was relaying this story to friends that night, showing them my beautiful elephant leg, while gnoshing on a cracker with smoked salmon… and then noticed that I had swallowed a fish bone. I was choke/coughing, trying to be discreet.

    Of course my husband didn’t believe me at first … “Oh no, there’s no bone in smoked salmon”… but upon realizing who he was talking about… “Oh my God, if someone’s going to find it, it will be Karen!.

    So I spent the rest of the evening not so elegantly trying to wash the bone down – first with water/wine (stung, but helped ease the pain!), then a friend suggested more bread, something to stick to it… it was so painful, felt like it was going down horizontally scratching like a razor blade. By the time I got home I still couldn’t tell if I had gotten it down or if it was still there. So good friend Google suggested …. “peanut butter toast sandwich” – check… and then “two large mouthfuls of marshmallows… so I stuffed a couple of fistfuls of my daughter’s favourite mini marshmallows (and she counts them, so I knew I would pay) … after an evening out of eating, eating… I was absolutely stuffed , with the rawest throat ever. I ultimately recovered over the next days, but how stressful. I did actually think about going to hospital at some point.

    Now on to your book- What Alice Forgot. I just finished it – I hadn’t read about it at all, found it at my local Costco. I absolutely loved it, and will recommend it for my book club. You had me laughing and crying (I could tell that you had some experience in infertility – the whole Infertiles, Elizabeth’s emotions and writings, ugh, brought me back to some very dark places myself!). I have been a SAH mom with a husband who travelled a lot – going through Alice’s life, and now am back at a very busy career – and am obsessive about the gym! So I really couldn’t put this book down. Thank you for a brilliant read – I am a huge fan, and look forward to your other books coming to Canada!

  • wendy james says:
    September 17, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Have you considered Fletcherism, Liane? It could hold the answer to food-wolfing. Only 100 chews/mouthful — and as a bonus you get to examine your digestive …er…”ash”.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horace_Fletcher

    Sorry I missed you on your Newcastle visit. Best laid plans, etc. Next time!

    wj

  • Liane says:
    October 30, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Dear Kirsten,
    So sorry your brilliant, original post disappeared – it’s funny the way the computer decides to play up just when you’re at your most brilliant.
    I have touched wood for you, so hopefully fate will leave you alone in regard to choking incidents.
    And thank you so much for ‘Lighter Shades of Grey’ which I can’t wait to read!
    Lianexx

  • Liane says:
    October 30, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    I have to say that dancing a jig in an icy street after drinking margaritas sounds WONDERFUL to me right at this moment, as I contemplate my tax return and laundry basket.
    But I guess a broken ankle would hurt a fair bit. I hope you looked after yours and recovered completely
    I have an ankle that still clicks after I sprained it one mildly boisterous night in the suburbs, back in the late eighties…

  • Liane says:
    October 30, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Dear Karen,
    So sorry you had to post twice – I think it’s probably my fault, because I’ve got the blog set up so that I approve all comments before they appear, and then I get behind with my approving.
    And now I have taken forever to respond. I have a whole raft of excuses for my lateness, which include computer problems, editing deadlines, an illness, a disastrous holiday, and general incompetence. Thank you for that amazing story of choking on a fish bone while telling a story about your allergic reaction to a tetanus shot following an allergic reaction to a a wasp sting!
    If I hadn’t already picked a winner, you would have totally been in with a chance, to help make up for your suffering, but maybe it’s just as well, because I feel like that run of bad luck had to come to stop – I can imagine you tripping on your way to the letterbox to pick up your prize.
    Thank you so much Karen for your very lovely comments about What Alice Forgot, and especially for recommending it to your book club.
    My newest book, The Husband’s Secret, should be out in Canada in September 2013,
    You have now left me with a craving for mini-marshmallows…Lianex

  • Liane says:
    October 30, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    I did love that line of his, “Nature will castigate those who don’t masticate.” Nature sure did castigate.
    I was really sorry you couldn’t make it to Newcastle after all, we had a lovely time, so will hopefully be back that way soon.
    We must run into each other at some event some time!
    Lianex

  • Tricia says:
    December 29, 2012 at 12:12 am

    This happened many moons ago, when my sister in law and hubby plus kids visited us from Perth. We enjoyed a great meal together which included almonds for some reason. Well, almonds seem to take a long time to chew before you can swallow them, and they end up feeling a bit like chewed coconut which I can never seem to swallow.
    Anyway, moving right along…someone told a joke so hilarious that I laughed so hard and inhaled massively that all those tiny pieces of well chewed almond ended in my wind pipe. I just happened to be washing up and leaned over the sink not being able to breathe. They just though I was laughing so hard that I was wheezing.
    Finally my brother in law decided to do the Heimlich manouvre on me repeatedly, which made it worse each time he did. I also was truly embarassed by the fact that he just about crushed my breasts each time!
    Finally I drank a full glass of water and I could breathe once again. It too most of the rest of that day for my breathing to return to normal. …it was a very scary experience.

    Sorry for not having a more gory story to tell! No vomited, spitting or hissing..hehe

  • Bec Woods says:
    April 1, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    Hi Liane
    The Husband’s Secret is a wonderful novel. Thank you for making my Easter break one of the most enjoyable I have had for years. Curling up with a good book takes on a whole new meaning when it is one of your books – it is such a joy. I ate way too many hot cross buns and Easter eggs as I embarked on a strange mirrored reality of living my Easter weekend vicariously through Tess, Rachel and Celia. Thank goodness I can go back to my simple uneventful reality…though, I am going to try and be a little more ‘bendy’. One of my favorite parts was the beautifully written epilogue. All of your books are beautifully written Liane, but this epilogue was beyond expectations.
    Thank you for all of your hard work to bring us yet another wonderful novel. I look forward to next Easter (though I would be very happy if I didn’t have to wait that long – pushy aren’t I….still working on ‘bendy’).
    Warm regards
    Bec

  • Eleni Kamanis says:
    April 29, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Hi Lianie,

    I have just discovered you as an author through my kindle.

    I have spent the last 3 days in bed and on the balcony with a glass of wine reading your 4 novels back to back.

    You take away by breath with the twists and humor in your books.

    I have no favourite book, I LOVE them all .

    When is your next book? I might start reading your sister`s boo in the meantime.

    Cheers
    Eleni

  • Robyn says:
    April 29, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Hi Liane,
    I am currently reading The Husbands Secret as an iBook on my new iPad! Thoroughly enjoying the story, you have exceptional talent as a writer and a canny expertise for describing people and events.
    Don’t bother finishing the Grey trilogy I borrowed from a friend seriously, they are in the wardrobe gathering dust! The style of writing and pretentious subject matter is absolute gumption!
    I think your latest novel would make a fabulous movie … Go for it!

    Regards Robyn

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